Because Today Doesn't Suck Enough

I feel awful.
My friend thinks I hate her, and she has a logical reason to. I am the worst person ever. I am angry, and annoyed very easily. I am contemptuous, cantankerous, and crabby. I am stressed out all the time for no reason, and unfortunately, she sometimes gets used as some sort of emotional punching bag.
Why? Because I don't deserve to live. Whoo for logical fallacies. I truly am an awful person, for me the bad outweighs the good. I don't deserve anything I have.
I deserve to either die, or just live the rest of my life in brutal seclusion. And that is how I feel.
And right now, I agree with it and I do not care what others have to say about it, because they would have to agree. I am an AWFUL PERSON.
I don't understand why I have friends, and why people don't see that I am an awful person.
hmmm. I wonder if anyone has caught on that I hate myself and have a low self esteem....
I truly hope no on reads my posts.

Worst Days of Out Lives; Ad Quod Damnum

Junior year sucks. Every decision I make is the wrong one, no matter what that decision might be.
I got a letter today.
I am pretty sure they don't like us being there. How could they? We're awful people. Well at least that's what I got from the letter. I never want to go there ever again, that's the truth.
I have never felt so ousted and inutile. Not to mention embarrassed, stupid, utterly awful, idiotic, shameful, well hopefully those words get my point across.
I want a torrent of tears to flow from my eyes, but they cannot. They refuse to pass.
I also realized how awful of a friend I am. Is not that fantastic? My family hates me and my friends think I am always mean to them. I am some sort of life ruiner, what's worse is that this post might be for more reasons than I would care to admit. Maybe this is for attention, or maybe this is just how really do feel.
I think it's the latter more than the former.
Oh and this is the same day I was blamed for being unaware of things I was never told.
ha, is not life the best?
I just cannot stress how much anger I feel; I cannot express the anger though. I am way too tired to do so, and I feel sick. Hopefully I will miss school tomorrow. Maybe I need to brood more, or less.
I am one more guilt trip away from exploding. One day I will leave and never return. I honestly hope that happens. (This post is for me and not anyone else)
I also hope I realize in the future how badly I feel. And to never forget this feeling. This is how one grows, this is how one learns.
Basically, you never forget the awful. It's human condition. It is a great way to evolve. Remember the bad and never do what caused the bad ever again.

Ad Astra Alia Porci

I love that phrase. It's great.
But I hate everything right now.
I have to write a rather useless paper for AP Lang, write another paper for AP Bio, and study my ass off, and decide what is more important: the play, or Honors choir. I can't choose. I just can't; I love doing both.
GUARGH. And now to explain the title of this post. It basically means "when pigs fly!" used often by Steinbeck on his books. I say that because, that is when dramatics and choir will get along, and not be stupid and fuck those up the ass who do both.
Thanks people who schedule stuff. What ye have taught me is that is that doing more than one extra curricular activity is stupid because they will always intersect and you will be forced to choose "either or".
As stupid as this may sound, I have given up on humanity for many reasons. One reason is the above mentioned, that and people in my generation are (for lack of better word and the fact that I don't care) FUCKTARDS. Yes I not only said it, I caps locked it.
Aufwiederschreiben.

An Very Awesome Rant Like Bitch Fit

Sweet ass title, no?
It has been quite the while since my last post. And much has happened. I am going to pick up where I last left off, which was watching Annie Hall. I love that movie, I extol that movie, I admire that movie, I (insert anything that is synonymous with liking/admiring) that movie. The musical, which I despise is done and over with, and it was either a disaster or really good. I hated doing it, very little good, if any, came out of it, and by that I mean no life experience was gained. Except DO NOT DO A MUSICAL unless you have to, to make ends meat and all that jazz.
I thought I liked someone in that way (whoo for euphemisms) but I didn't.
I fail at essay writing and AP Language and Composition, as previously predicted. One could see this as essay writing, and I would have to agree. I love this kind of writing, it's good, heartfelt, and I have no fear of being graded. I can basically say anything I want to. (No death threats.. damn). I can be somewhat grammatically incorrect.
Which brings me to another, fantasical point: grammar. I hate it and find it fascinating. And taught it I was not.
Which brings me full circle back to AP Language. Grammar. (See stream of consciousness makes sense). How can I, one person who was never taught grammar before in my life, (except for German grammar which really does not apply to English) be expected to know how to properly place commas, know about adverbials, fragments, properly use a semi colon, and manipulate the language so it sounds euphonious, intelligent, and applies to all people evar? <--- had to be done.
After the essay writing and the musical everything gets kind of blurry. It has been one big tired tangled mess of tainted tittering memories. Until..
Thanksgiving Break. I will give thee a brevitous synopsis: It took about eight hours to get down to New Mexico, we left at six in the morning. Draw your own conclusions. When we got there, I read, did AP Biology homework. All I did was eat, work, sleep, and we engaged in discourse. About everything. I love my cousin. She is so awesome. About the second day we were there my grandfather came back from the hospital, still as ornery, cantankerous, and quick witted as ever. For Thanksgiving we ater tenderloin. It was sapid, palatable, and delectiable. I would have that over turkey anyday. I visted with my other various counsins, and saw my babdy second cousins. It was also incrediably wintry for New Mexico.
We came back the day after Thanksgiving. Again we left at six in the morning, only to get home at three. I then had to relax for a second, then went to the Theater Company for a 24 Hour One Act Festival.
Holy hell.
That is a blog post in itself.
The school week that followed, the current one, has been quite the miserable one.
More essays, sister getting drivers licsence, stress, and vapid people.
But good has come out of it. True cold, wintry, icey, wear six layers cold. I love it. The weather has been picture perfect in that sense.
I have to go, fixing an essays. <--- that was no on purpose. WOW

Of Humans Humanity

This week was crazy, and emotionally tolling. For just about everyone I know. It's rather interesting... But alas, the one day I was feeling pretty good, a lot of people were miserable, thus proving my theory that I am a natural happy leech. But only on certain occasions, further tests are needed.
I want to say something, but refuse to. Why? Because once it is written down, it becomes truth. The thing I want to write down is something I do not want to admit.
Damn.
I am watching Annie Hall. If I were more paranoid, and hornier, I would basically be Woody Allen's character. A neurotic, paranoid, freak. How loverly.
I am finally content with Colorado's weather. It's near freezing and I love it. I can be cold, and drink hot rooibos tea, and curl up on the couch and watch a good movie, or read a book.
Which reminds me....
Anyways, my High School lost to it's across town rival. We have not won against them in about 20 years. So I guess it's not that big of a deal.
I think I am done, this was a rather short post.
Hmm, do not worry readers, for a longer one is on the way about the musical production my school is putting on. So stay tuned.

A School I Knew Well Long Ago...

My school is becoming so crappy. As if it was not crappy enough. We got rid of the good teachers, and keep bringing in new bad ones. And let's not even talk about the schedule. Oh wait let's.
The thought process for such a schedule is so incomprehensible. "Let's put all of the AP Classes in one block!" or "Let's make it impossible for kids to take classes they want!" I over exaggerate merely to make a point. And that point is the schedule is garbage. Pure and utter garbage. I can't take Front Range Community College classes, and I can't take the AP class I really wanted to take, US History. Instead I am forced into AP Language and Composition (God save me.) How this happened? No one knows...
Although I think AP Biology will be interesting.
Other than that I have no real classes it's PE and Choir, which makes me feel so empty and void of work. It's like I am slacking, but I don't want to. I really wanted to take german and US History, I don't really need a free hour. I just feel so damn lazy I hate it. I want those Three AP Classes!!! I guess I can't win, even when I am not even trying to lose. (That kind of makes sense in a fairly round about way.) I am still just so angry and worried.
Angry that I feel jipped out of a rigorous schedule that colleges will like.
Worried that I am going to fail all of my important classes all two of them.
Oh yeah I forgot about Trigonometry/Pre Calculus.
SHOOT ME.
There is no way I can pass that class, no way at all.
Calculus really serves no purpose in the not Math/Science world. I hate math. What is the point past basic algebra?
There is none. Except every school system in the world wants every student to be some sort of mathematician or scientist. And not even the cool kind of scientist, it's the lame kind like at NASA that uses Calculus.
Everyone I know and asked, who is a smart person, who took calculus says once they "learned" it, it was promptly forgotten for useful things. Like, I don't know, EVERYTHING ELSE!
But what is worse about math not serving any true purpose past algebra, is that teachers try to lie and tell you that it serves a purpose. They use sayings such as "Just in case you become a ______" (the blank indicates some sort of math related career, hard math, not like construction, or architecture that only involve geometry.. for the most part)
FYI teachers of the inglorious math, I have no plan, none what so ever to continue learning such putrid filth. In college, I am going to be some sort of Liberal Arts Major, Literature, Film, Cinema etc. Math (and by math I mean asymptotes, or inverted this or that, or some sort of Quadratic).
And by no means am I good at math. I am terrible at it. I never learned the multiplication table. Hell in 5 grade I was taught something that was like 3 grade math. So they lowered the standards at the most important part of learning math, and when I reached 6 grade all of a sudden the bars were raised sky high. Or so it felt. So I have struggled with math for about four or five years now, I can still barely do algebra. (Oh not to mention I had one good math teacher for only one Semester in my entire school career, not joking). And it seems like everyone I know, or am friends with are so much better at math than I am. They get it automatically, and I struggle after countless re-learnings.
I guess I am not meant to be a math person (thank God.)
Wow that was a long and crazy Math rant.
I have plenty more about school. I hate it so much.
I quit.

It's Gotten Late, and I Do Not Want to Be Alone? AKA DIGRESSION now starring...

Catchy title, no? I stole it and modified from a Death Cab for Cuite song. They rock just for your information. (Whoa, no acronym, right, ah man that's totally awesome man, ya' know?) No my Dazed and Confused friend, no acronym. (Well that was out of the blue.) Anyways, I have not posted in a while, so I figure, why not now? I just had friends over, they left, now I feel lonely, like I always do after they leave. I hate it. Sometimes I think living alone would be great, then it's moments like these that I wish I would never live alone. (I guess family kind of counts, not really.) I have been thinking (I know, it sucks), and I keep having this thought that I will be alone for forever. Which is what I kind of want, but don't? Hmm.. depends on how angsty I am at the time. (I use a nifty thing called the angst-o-meter it's rather useful, especially because I am still a teenager.) I wish I would quit digressing, but then again there really is no topic to this dumb rant. I guess I just feel lonely, it's really hard to pin down. I swear on my own life I am not being overdramatic. I just feel this constant lonliness. And I really don't want people to say "Poor Ben he feels lonely", that just doesn't help and makes me feel even worse. Although it's the thought that counts I guess. But as in my other bloggish rant, girlfriend, good or bad? See I think it'd be great for a while, and the worst possible moment, Dumpsville. (ha that amuses me
greatly, Dumpsville not geting dumped). I know that would happen, because I am me, and life likes to spit in my face. As sad as that sounds it's mildly true.
Anyways, who said I would ever get a girlfriend. I have too much shame, and no confidence. (Oh by the way, I hope no one thinks I am one of those sex obsessed people, who just wants some, because that is kind of the oppisite of what I need, or should I say want, just a meaningful relationship.) And apparently confidence is the only thing that attracts women.
So to set something straight, I am not attractive, (not really), and have no confidence (as if that was NOT obvious from my first blog to now). I have no where to begin to achieve confidence. I am just not that kind of person. And why should I be? Oh wait the whole self image thing... The point is I am... what am I? (Well right now I am digressing) I am me. (Not as profound as it seems) Are there others like me? No, let's hope not. We don't need anymore curly haired self hating freaks, do we? The point is, well there really is no point. I am just writing this so I don't go insane and snap one day. When I snap, there will be no blood shed, I will just refuse to leave my room.
Which brings me to another point, do I have Sylvia Plath syndrome? I am a poet/writer. It is proven those who write poetry and write novels (kind of like I do) are at a higher risk for a mental break down, and suicide. (I am not suicidal, just confidentless, which isn't a word, is it?)
Long story short, I feel lonely, unattractive, and.. well that sums it up. Also creative. See something positive always comes out of the really bad. I feel creative, and expressive. Some of the better writers wrote their best works while depressed, even tho I don't think I am depressed, let's hope not. I just feel so bored and useless.
I think I am done brooding. I have many more thoughts but refuse to write them, because when I do write them, they become realized, something I don't want to do with these thoughts.
Aufwiederschreiben.

In Keeping With The Title, a Tempremental Whirlwind?

I have not posted in a while, mostly because I am one lazy SOB. Hahaha... the point is things could be looking up or going down. See it's on the brink of both greatness and absolute crap. I read more, which is always good, I guess. I don't really write that much anymore. I think I kind of know why in a way. Church was interesting today, for once it felt like I kind of belonged with the other teens. Thanks to Friday/Saturday's chat (that lasted from about midnight to five in the morning) with my friend. (I refuse to name names.. maybe she will read this in the future...).
Now to get all emotional. I honestly do think I am an emo at heart, which scares the hell outta me. I am so whiny, hell, this whole post is like some big rant, one hella whiny rant. The point is I feel mildly bereft of something... What I meant was I feel unfrequented, and forlorn. I get angry for no reason, kind of like mood swings. It's so fun...
For the most part, I am glad I am seeing friends more and more. But for some reason, no matter how many friends I have, very close friends, I still feel rather empty. I wonder if others feel that way.
ouch my lip just split.
The point is, I have a void in my.. soul? (holy shit that's overdramatic) that can not be filled by friends. The point I seem to be dancing around (like a well worn politician) is that I think I need a girl friend. hahaha I finally said it. The sad thing is, I think if I were to get one (hahaha it's like a joke, more like is a joke), that relationship would either make things better, or worse, and right now I am leaning towards the worse option. I think that's kind of amusing, now that I have written it down. Something I kind want, and think I need, and it'd make things worse. HA!
I have been thinking about college a little too much lately, now that the lingering threat is becoming an actual threat, I don't know what to do, and where to go. I would kind of like to go to NYU, but, I took the PLAN test, and I got a very low score. But my GPA is kind of high. But I suck too much at everything else I would never make it. I would really have to apply at school, and school work, and study hardcore for the ACT and SAT, and do amazing, and I know I won't. I suck too much. I can't do it. I know I can't. I already have a terrible attitude going into the new school year, how do you think I will do? But the thought of going to NYU is such a nice thought. Except for the fact that I would leave my whole life behind, for an effing bachelors degree. (Those are like GED's now, sweet Jesus.) And I know I would not get enough scholarships, and I have no money, and neither do my parents. But this thought is so powerful, me going to NYU, like so many famous, successful people have done. It's amazing. And I really want to go to New York. I would never go to CU. Although it's schools and majors appeal to me greatly. Again it's too expensive, and Boulder scares the bejesus outta me.
But the thought of college depresses me, only because it seems like my best friends want to go to colleges that are very very far away. I hate it. I finally have very close friends, and they are leaving? It sucks.
I want a MacBook. Three problems, my computer I am using is like six months old, I have no money, and I have a Zune. Hopefully Microsoft will pull it's head from it's ass and make the Zune avaliable for the Macintosh. A lot of Mac users want to use non iPod products. And the new Zune is quite amazing! Just make the software compatiable or something. I don't know, make it work, I beg you! See my plan is to keep this one for two years, a great life time for Computers, and get a MacBook then. (Whatever is avaliable in the future). And guess what it is for? College.
I hate high school. Mostly because it shows how shallow everyone truly is. I hate the word hot in relation to a person's body. I hate it. It just bothers me. Mostly because it makes me feel like I am not good enough physically.... I guess it's kind of a long story. And the hell I am going to tell it on this thing.
I guess I am done ranting, some things I refuse to tell.

Just Cause and Super Cynical, story of my life.

So, my satellite is not working, hooray for dad messing with cables, luckily the internet started working again, otherwise I would be half crazed right now. That or reading, which I should do. Anyways, I am watching The Seventh Seal, which I am going to buy one day. I can have that movie or a season of The X Files on DVD, aren't foreign films awesome, mostly because of how over priced they are at shops?! Damn you Borders, for being the only half way decent DVD shop in this accursed town!
GARG. This summer has sucked, let's leave it at that. And what doesn't help is the fact that my once mildly clear face now has so many zits, in fact, I think this is the most I have ever had. I hate it. Not to mention it does nothing for that lack of confidence thing. HA!
Anyways, I have to do this church thing tomorrow. O joy. I am not atheistic, Buddhist or anything like that. I just don't like Church. Why should I? So many bad memories, and the guilt. Hahahaha. Not to mention, I am politically moderate, so some of the ideas people have are mildly frightening.
Which brings me to another interesting point. Politics. One good example of politics are the headless chickens running around scratching at each other in congress. Yeah, news flash to flaming liberals, not everything is Bush's fault. Sorry to break it to you. Blame your problems on the members in congress. War in Iraq? Bush invading like some fascist, and without following the constitution? Wrong, it's called checks and balances. He got that approved by congress. So, anyone thinking about killing old Bushy, should think twice, and then mail a pipe bomb to congress. ;) Note to anyone reading this, it's called sarcasm, and I do not advocate the violent overthrowing of our government. I swear. Just making fun of people who blame Bush for just about everything. Because he controls everything, because he's the president. Even though the president doesn't have very many powers. Again, founding fathers were pretty smart by putting that ol' checks and balances into effect and all.
Now I am not an expert on anything. I don't claim to be anything but annoyed by our media's blatant bias for the left. Hmm Obama doesn't know how to bowl, amazing!! Anything McCain does is boring news, old news, boring old news. He isn't different enough. People apparently want change, and Obama brings change in almost every way. He's Afican American and young. (Although terrribly inexperienced.) McCain? Just another rich white guy who wants to be president. Except he actually has expirence. Who'd a thunk it?
I am sure if anyone reads this they have half a million counter arguements, flaws to point out etc. And conspiraces. I bet a lot of those will pop up. The point is, a lot of people do not know how our government works. Because really no one bothers to teach it. Which is so sad. It's our own damn country! We should know about it. Sometimes people don't care, they would rather be hand fed news from unreliable sources who put their own spin on things. What i am driving at is the news blames Bush, the people blame Bush. The news says Bush is a failure, people think it. Notice a pattern? The media, like newscasts, shows, etc. are Americas most effective propaganda methods. (Mostly televison, I am surprised people still know how to read).
Moving on to sex in media. Let's be fair here, and I am going to use examples, hopefully they are apt. Now, guess jean ads, some would consider border line porn, I would probably be one of those people. Cologne ads, porn. Things that are made to purposefully arouse some one is porn. (In my opinion, which is basically what porn is, pictures or something of that nature to arouse some one, aka make 'em horny). In movies, sometimes its a grey area. Like in any Blockbuster film, sex is in there to sell the movie by making the watchers get hard, if you catch my drift. Art movies it can go either way, it depends on the subject matter and material. Like Eyes Wide Shut, the sex in that movie, is not to arouse someone, I swear. In fact, the way it is depicted, is almost sickening. To me, it was like it meant nothing to a lot of the characters. Which is scary, and true in life. (For certain people). The nude scenes were shot so well, by (who is now one of my favorite directors) Stanely Kubrick, that it isn't that erotic. At least not to me. It was almost like every relationship in that movie was platonic. Even the sex. Weird huh? My point is that sex isn't always meant to arouse. But I don't think anyone of any age should see this movie. It all depends on how mature they are. If they understand it. Because, to a 12 year old boy, sex is sex and that's all he can think about. If he were to see something where sex is not sexy, he wouldn't get it. Then it would kind of become porn. I am just rambling, basically deciding my own stance on the matter. It depends on the person on whether it can be porn or not. (Sometimes).
Should I talk about violence in media? Why the hell not! I have touched base with plenty of controversial issues already, in one post! Holy crap. That shit is insane. Anyways, all joking aside, violence.. is.. well it is. Now there are varying degrees of violence, kid violence, cartoon violence, implied violence, domestic abuse, bloody violence, gore, bloody gore, guts and gore. (Gore as in blood shed, not Al Gore.. Lord knows they are the same HA! me and my nonsensical wit). The list goes on with the types of violence. And I really don't have much to say about it, except I hate pointless violence, which is probably why I hate so many blockbusters, and 007 Movies. I think movies that show violence in such a way, that lives are expendable, and there are no repercussions to violent acts, then it's far worse then other movies like, The Departed, or Before the Devil Knows You're Dead. Realistic violence can sometimes be the most disturbing, like Atonement, or any Oscar nominated war film. Ther is no blood gushing, no spurts, just pain and death, with blood either pouring, or trickling. That is a wee bit more understandable, and easier to accept then some hero wasting bad guys in an alley or whatever. So basically, cartoon violence, or the kind that does not show how bad it is, is well, unacceptable. It kind of shows kids that hurting people is ok. Now for movies like Kill Bill, ha, that's so over the top, and so brightly coloured, it's almost funny, and amusing to watch. Because you know it can never happen, like blood spraying like a fountain from a severed head, or an arm that has been cut off.
In all, I have discovered, that by rambling about violence in media, that violence is such a broad term, that one can not say anything definitive about it.
I think this is all the ranting I am going to do for one post.

My First Post

This post is practically useless. I am just writing just to write, which is good I guess. Anyways, more posts will follow. Maybe even my story that is on Myspace. Yes laugh it up hardcore interneters, I use myspace, and its' blog service. (Which almost makes me a' lul.) I really do like Blogger. It's interesting. Better and easier to use than Livejournal, which I almost spelt liverjournal, which is about right! HA! Hopefully this doesn't turn into a bitch box like my Livejournal *shutter*. I look forward to posting on you, you wonderful, frabtabulos Blogger. (Don't worry I can be verbose.)