My school is becoming so crappy. As if it was not crappy enough. We got rid of the good teachers, and keep bringing in new bad ones. And let's not even talk about the schedule. Oh wait let's.
The thought process for such a schedule is so incomprehensible. "Let's put all of the AP Classes in one block!" or "Let's make it impossible for kids to take classes they want!" I over exaggerate merely to make a point. And that point is the schedule is garbage. Pure and utter garbage. I can't take Front Range Community College classes, and I can't take the AP class I really wanted to take, US History. Instead I am forced into AP Language and Composition (God save me.) How this happened? No one knows...
Although I think AP Biology will be interesting.
Other than that I have no real classes it's PE and Choir, which makes me feel so empty and void of work. It's like I am slacking, but I don't want to. I really wanted to take german and US History, I don't really need a free hour. I just feel so damn lazy I hate it. I want those Three AP Classes!!! I guess I can't win, even when I am not even trying to lose. (That kind of makes sense in a fairly round about way.) I am still just so angry and worried.
Angry that I feel jipped out of a rigorous schedule that colleges will like.
Worried that I am going to fail all of my important classes all two of them.
Oh yeah I forgot about Trigonometry/Pre Calculus.
SHOOT ME.
There is no way I can pass that class, no way at all.
Calculus really serves no purpose in the not Math/Science world. I hate math. What is the point past basic algebra?
There is none. Except every school system in the world wants every student to be some sort of mathematician or scientist. And not even the cool kind of scientist, it's the lame kind like at NASA that uses Calculus.
Everyone I know and asked, who is a smart person, who took calculus says once they "learned" it, it was promptly forgotten for useful things. Like, I don't know, EVERYTHING ELSE!
But what is worse about math not serving any true purpose past algebra, is that teachers try to lie and tell you that it serves a purpose. They use sayings such as "Just in case you become a ______" (the blank indicates some sort of math related career, hard math, not like construction, or architecture that only involve geometry.. for the most part)
FYI teachers of the inglorious math, I have no plan, none what so ever to continue learning such putrid filth. In college, I am going to be some sort of Liberal Arts Major, Literature, Film, Cinema etc. Math (and by math I mean asymptotes, or inverted this or that, or some sort of Quadratic).
And by no means am I good at math. I am terrible at it. I never learned the multiplication table. Hell in 5 grade I was taught something that was like 3 grade math. So they lowered the standards at the most important part of learning math, and when I reached 6 grade all of a sudden the bars were raised sky high. Or so it felt. So I have struggled with math for about four or five years now, I can still barely do algebra. (Oh not to mention I had one good math teacher for only one Semester in my entire school career, not joking). And it seems like everyone I know, or am friends with are so much better at math than I am. They get it automatically, and I struggle after countless re-learnings.
I guess I am not meant to be a math person (thank God.)
Wow that was a long and crazy Math rant.
I have plenty more about school. I hate it so much.
I quit.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Saturday, August 9, 2008
It's Gotten Late, and I Do Not Want to Be Alone? AKA DIGRESSION now starring...
Catchy title, no? I stole it and modified from a Death Cab for Cuite song. They rock just for your information. (Whoa, no acronym, right, ah man that's totally awesome man, ya' know?) No my Dazed and Confused friend, no acronym. (Well that was out of the blue.) Anyways, I have not posted in a while, so I figure, why not now? I just had friends over, they left, now I feel lonely, like I always do after they leave. I hate it. Sometimes I think living alone would be great, then it's moments like these that I wish I would never live alone. (I guess family kind of counts, not really.) I have been thinking (I know, it sucks), and I keep having this thought that I will be alone for forever. Which is what I kind of want, but don't? Hmm.. depends on how angsty I am at the time. (I use a nifty thing called the angst-o-meter it's rather useful, especially because I am still a teenager.) I wish I would quit digressing, but then again there really is no topic to this dumb rant. I guess I just feel lonely, it's really hard to pin down. I swear on my own life I am not being overdramatic. I just feel this constant lonliness. And I really don't want people to say "Poor Ben he feels lonely", that just doesn't help and makes me feel even worse. Although it's the thought that counts I guess. But as in my other bloggish rant, girlfriend, good or bad? See I think it'd be great for a while, and the worst possible moment, Dumpsville. (ha that amuses me
greatly, Dumpsville not geting dumped). I know that would happen, because I am me, and life likes to spit in my face. As sad as that sounds it's mildly true.
Anyways, who said I would ever get a girlfriend. I have too much shame, and no confidence. (Oh by the way, I hope no one thinks I am one of those sex obsessed people, who just wants some, because that is kind of the oppisite of what I need, or should I say want, just a meaningful relationship.) And apparently confidence is the only thing that attracts women.
So to set something straight, I am not attractive, (not really), and have no confidence (as if that was NOT obvious from my first blog to now). I have no where to begin to achieve confidence. I am just not that kind of person. And why should I be? Oh wait the whole self image thing... The point is I am... what am I? (Well right now I am digressing) I am me. (Not as profound as it seems) Are there others like me? No, let's hope not. We don't need anymore curly haired self hating freaks, do we? The point is, well there really is no point. I am just writing this so I don't go insane and snap one day. When I snap, there will be no blood shed, I will just refuse to leave my room.
Which brings me to another point, do I have Sylvia Plath syndrome? I am a poet/writer. It is proven those who write poetry and write novels (kind of like I do) are at a higher risk for a mental break down, and suicide. (I am not suicidal, just confidentless, which isn't a word, is it?)
Long story short, I feel lonely, unattractive, and.. well that sums it up. Also creative. See something positive always comes out of the really bad. I feel creative, and expressive. Some of the better writers wrote their best works while depressed, even tho I don't think I am depressed, let's hope not. I just feel so bored and useless.
I think I am done brooding. I have many more thoughts but refuse to write them, because when I do write them, they become realized, something I don't want to do with these thoughts.
Aufwiederschreiben.
greatly, Dumpsville not geting dumped). I know that would happen, because I am me, and life likes to spit in my face. As sad as that sounds it's mildly true.
Anyways, who said I would ever get a girlfriend. I have too much shame, and no confidence. (Oh by the way, I hope no one thinks I am one of those sex obsessed people, who just wants some, because that is kind of the oppisite of what I need, or should I say want, just a meaningful relationship.) And apparently confidence is the only thing that attracts women.
So to set something straight, I am not attractive, (not really), and have no confidence (as if that was NOT obvious from my first blog to now). I have no where to begin to achieve confidence. I am just not that kind of person. And why should I be? Oh wait the whole self image thing... The point is I am... what am I? (Well right now I am digressing) I am me. (Not as profound as it seems) Are there others like me? No, let's hope not. We don't need anymore curly haired self hating freaks, do we? The point is, well there really is no point. I am just writing this so I don't go insane and snap one day. When I snap, there will be no blood shed, I will just refuse to leave my room.
Which brings me to another point, do I have Sylvia Plath syndrome? I am a poet/writer. It is proven those who write poetry and write novels (kind of like I do) are at a higher risk for a mental break down, and suicide. (I am not suicidal, just confidentless, which isn't a word, is it?)
Long story short, I feel lonely, unattractive, and.. well that sums it up. Also creative. See something positive always comes out of the really bad. I feel creative, and expressive. Some of the better writers wrote their best works while depressed, even tho I don't think I am depressed, let's hope not. I just feel so bored and useless.
I think I am done brooding. I have many more thoughts but refuse to write them, because when I do write them, they become realized, something I don't want to do with these thoughts.
Aufwiederschreiben.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
In Keeping With The Title, a Tempremental Whirlwind?
I have not posted in a while, mostly because I am one lazy SOB. Hahaha... the point is things could be looking up or going down. See it's on the brink of both greatness and absolute crap. I read more, which is always good, I guess. I don't really write that much anymore. I think I kind of know why in a way. Church was interesting today, for once it felt like I kind of belonged with the other teens. Thanks to Friday/Saturday's chat (that lasted from about midnight to five in the morning) with my friend. (I refuse to name names.. maybe she will read this in the future...).
Now to get all emotional. I honestly do think I am an emo at heart, which scares the hell outta me. I am so whiny, hell, this whole post is like some big rant, one hella whiny rant. The point is I feel mildly bereft of something... What I meant was I feel unfrequented, and forlorn. I get angry for no reason, kind of like mood swings. It's so fun...
For the most part, I am glad I am seeing friends more and more. But for some reason, no matter how many friends I have, very close friends, I still feel rather empty. I wonder if others feel that way.
ouch my lip just split.
The point is, I have a void in my.. soul? (holy shit that's overdramatic) that can not be filled by friends. The point I seem to be dancing around (like a well worn politician) is that I think I need a girl friend. hahaha I finally said it. The sad thing is, I think if I were to get one (hahaha it's like a joke, more like is a joke), that relationship would either make things better, or worse, and right now I am leaning towards the worse option. I think that's kind of amusing, now that I have written it down. Something I kind want, and think I need, and it'd make things worse. HA!
I have been thinking about college a little too much lately, now that the lingering threat is becoming an actual threat, I don't know what to do, and where to go. I would kind of like to go to NYU, but, I took the PLAN test, and I got a very low score. But my GPA is kind of high. But I suck too much at everything else I would never make it. I would really have to apply at school, and school work, and study hardcore for the ACT and SAT, and do amazing, and I know I won't. I suck too much. I can't do it. I know I can't. I already have a terrible attitude going into the new school year, how do you think I will do? But the thought of going to NYU is such a nice thought. Except for the fact that I would leave my whole life behind, for an effing bachelors degree. (Those are like GED's now, sweet Jesus.) And I know I would not get enough scholarships, and I have no money, and neither do my parents. But this thought is so powerful, me going to NYU, like so many famous, successful people have done. It's amazing. And I really want to go to New York. I would never go to CU. Although it's schools and majors appeal to me greatly. Again it's too expensive, and Boulder scares the bejesus outta me.
But the thought of college depresses me, only because it seems like my best friends want to go to colleges that are very very far away. I hate it. I finally have very close friends, and they are leaving? It sucks.
I want a MacBook. Three problems, my computer I am using is like six months old, I have no money, and I have a Zune. Hopefully Microsoft will pull it's head from it's ass and make the Zune avaliable for the Macintosh. A lot of Mac users want to use non iPod products. And the new Zune is quite amazing! Just make the software compatiable or something. I don't know, make it work, I beg you! See my plan is to keep this one for two years, a great life time for Computers, and get a MacBook then. (Whatever is avaliable in the future). And guess what it is for? College.
I hate high school. Mostly because it shows how shallow everyone truly is. I hate the word hot in relation to a person's body. I hate it. It just bothers me. Mostly because it makes me feel like I am not good enough physically.... I guess it's kind of a long story. And the hell I am going to tell it on this thing.
I guess I am done ranting, some things I refuse to tell.
Now to get all emotional. I honestly do think I am an emo at heart, which scares the hell outta me. I am so whiny, hell, this whole post is like some big rant, one hella whiny rant. The point is I feel mildly bereft of something... What I meant was I feel unfrequented, and forlorn. I get angry for no reason, kind of like mood swings. It's so fun...
For the most part, I am glad I am seeing friends more and more. But for some reason, no matter how many friends I have, very close friends, I still feel rather empty. I wonder if others feel that way.
ouch my lip just split.
The point is, I have a void in my.. soul? (holy shit that's overdramatic) that can not be filled by friends. The point I seem to be dancing around (like a well worn politician) is that I think I need a girl friend. hahaha I finally said it. The sad thing is, I think if I were to get one (hahaha it's like a joke, more like is a joke), that relationship would either make things better, or worse, and right now I am leaning towards the worse option. I think that's kind of amusing, now that I have written it down. Something I kind want, and think I need, and it'd make things worse. HA!
I have been thinking about college a little too much lately, now that the lingering threat is becoming an actual threat, I don't know what to do, and where to go. I would kind of like to go to NYU, but, I took the PLAN test, and I got a very low score. But my GPA is kind of high. But I suck too much at everything else I would never make it. I would really have to apply at school, and school work, and study hardcore for the ACT and SAT, and do amazing, and I know I won't. I suck too much. I can't do it. I know I can't. I already have a terrible attitude going into the new school year, how do you think I will do? But the thought of going to NYU is such a nice thought. Except for the fact that I would leave my whole life behind, for an effing bachelors degree. (Those are like GED's now, sweet Jesus.) And I know I would not get enough scholarships, and I have no money, and neither do my parents. But this thought is so powerful, me going to NYU, like so many famous, successful people have done. It's amazing. And I really want to go to New York. I would never go to CU. Although it's schools and majors appeal to me greatly. Again it's too expensive, and Boulder scares the bejesus outta me.
But the thought of college depresses me, only because it seems like my best friends want to go to colleges that are very very far away. I hate it. I finally have very close friends, and they are leaving? It sucks.
I want a MacBook. Three problems, my computer I am using is like six months old, I have no money, and I have a Zune. Hopefully Microsoft will pull it's head from it's ass and make the Zune avaliable for the Macintosh. A lot of Mac users want to use non iPod products. And the new Zune is quite amazing! Just make the software compatiable or something. I don't know, make it work, I beg you! See my plan is to keep this one for two years, a great life time for Computers, and get a MacBook then. (Whatever is avaliable in the future). And guess what it is for? College.
I hate high school. Mostly because it shows how shallow everyone truly is. I hate the word hot in relation to a person's body. I hate it. It just bothers me. Mostly because it makes me feel like I am not good enough physically.... I guess it's kind of a long story. And the hell I am going to tell it on this thing.
I guess I am done ranting, some things I refuse to tell.
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