Such an Odd World

I haven't posted in a while, it's because I have been so stressed, and busy. This year, as you might have been able to guess, has been probably the worst in recent memory. It even started off poorly. I can refer you to a past post about my awful schedule, and how it's been awful.
The year has come and gone, and I can hopefully scrape a couple of B's and C's, A's if I am lucky. Ugh. I picked the wrong year to slack off in. I blame a lot of people, myself included. I also blame a slew of luck luster teachers; a gaggle of inane, vapid, puppet-like counselors; and several other factors. I just cannot get over how horrid this year has been, and it's been bad all around. No one has had a great year, it seems so dull. So poor. So depressing. And I have several large finals that I should study for, and one I should have avoided. Oh well. FUCK MY LIFE. Until the summer, I will not be happy.
I should have a job, I should be working at LTC, I should have money, I should be applying for colleges, and I should be getting scholarships. All will probably happen. All should go according to plan. I refuse to let this summer suck, like last years. I might also plan on getting a girlfriend, but that is at the bottom of the list.
Relationships in high school are useless anyways.
I digress. This summer will be busy, and fun filled, and money filled. I also plan on keeping up my essay writing skills, and reading skills.
This was pretty useless. I have stuff to read and memorize.

Cold Rain, Beating Upon My Back

I am so sick of thinking. I hate it. I also hate living where I do. I love my parents with all my heart, and I know they love me. I am just sure they don't like me.
I don't know, I was an awful child. A terrible brother, and son. They (my parents) can't seem to get over that fact. I guess I am not so bad now. Most people say how I'm a good person, or at least a person that has his head on straight.
And yet, somehow I always feel like shit. I always feel so bad, for not doing much. At risk of sounding depressed, and fishing for a compliment, I always have a heavy heart. And I don't know why. Maybe I refuse to know why, a weird form of self protective ignorance I guess. I don't want to be all whiny and such, it's just plain how I feel. I am rather dramatic, but I pale in comparison to others.
I'm just average. Not much special about me. I can be easily forgotten, maybe I want to be. I don't know. I just hate that when I find something I am okay at, there is someone a trillion times better than I am, and they gloat about it, or just get all the attention for it. I am sick of being, okay, or pretty good at things. I want to be the best dammit. And I never will be.
I can't tell if I am being pessimistic, or just aiming low, and lessening the plunge to the ground of mediocrity.
I sure as hell hope this is not a pity party, I hate those. I just want all of theses things off my chest.
How disgusted I am by my friends. How this year has been the worst yet. How so many people know what a coward I am. How I feel like the worst person to ever be. That is so dramatic. I hate it. I despise it. Why can't I be normal? Dammit, that too is dramatic. No matter what I do, something I say winds up being dramatic.
Fuck it. Fuck life. I want to start new. Get away, and never look back. Well, there are several glaring exceptions to this overly dramatic rule. But that is for a different post.