I feel awful.
My friend thinks I hate her, and she has a logical reason to. I am the worst person ever. I am angry, and annoyed very easily. I am contemptuous, cantankerous, and crabby. I am stressed out all the time for no reason, and unfortunately, she sometimes gets used as some sort of emotional punching bag.
Why? Because I don't deserve to live. Whoo for logical fallacies. I truly am an awful person, for me the bad outweighs the good. I don't deserve anything I have.
I deserve to either die, or just live the rest of my life in brutal seclusion. And that is how I feel.
And right now, I agree with it and I do not care what others have to say about it, because they would have to agree. I am an AWFUL PERSON.
I don't understand why I have friends, and why people don't see that I am an awful person.
hmmm. I wonder if anyone has caught on that I hate myself and have a low self esteem....
I truly hope no on reads my posts.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Worst Days of Out Lives; Ad Quod Damnum
Junior year sucks. Every decision I make is the wrong one, no matter what that decision might be.
I got a letter today.
I am pretty sure they don't like us being there. How could they? We're awful people. Well at least that's what I got from the letter. I never want to go there ever again, that's the truth.
I have never felt so ousted and inutile. Not to mention embarrassed, stupid, utterly awful, idiotic, shameful, well hopefully those words get my point across.
I want a torrent of tears to flow from my eyes, but they cannot. They refuse to pass.
I also realized how awful of a friend I am. Is not that fantastic? My family hates me and my friends think I am always mean to them. I am some sort of life ruiner, what's worse is that this post might be for more reasons than I would care to admit. Maybe this is for attention, or maybe this is just how really do feel.
I think it's the latter more than the former.
Oh and this is the same day I was blamed for being unaware of things I was never told.
ha, is not life the best?
I just cannot stress how much anger I feel; I cannot express the anger though. I am way too tired to do so, and I feel sick. Hopefully I will miss school tomorrow. Maybe I need to brood more, or less.
I am one more guilt trip away from exploding. One day I will leave and never return. I honestly hope that happens. (This post is for me and not anyone else)
I also hope I realize in the future how badly I feel. And to never forget this feeling. This is how one grows, this is how one learns.
Basically, you never forget the awful. It's human condition. It is a great way to evolve. Remember the bad and never do what caused the bad ever again.
I got a letter today.
I am pretty sure they don't like us being there. How could they? We're awful people. Well at least that's what I got from the letter. I never want to go there ever again, that's the truth.
I have never felt so ousted and inutile. Not to mention embarrassed, stupid, utterly awful, idiotic, shameful, well hopefully those words get my point across.
I want a torrent of tears to flow from my eyes, but they cannot. They refuse to pass.
I also realized how awful of a friend I am. Is not that fantastic? My family hates me and my friends think I am always mean to them. I am some sort of life ruiner, what's worse is that this post might be for more reasons than I would care to admit. Maybe this is for attention, or maybe this is just how really do feel.
I think it's the latter more than the former.
Oh and this is the same day I was blamed for being unaware of things I was never told.
ha, is not life the best?
I just cannot stress how much anger I feel; I cannot express the anger though. I am way too tired to do so, and I feel sick. Hopefully I will miss school tomorrow. Maybe I need to brood more, or less.
I am one more guilt trip away from exploding. One day I will leave and never return. I honestly hope that happens. (This post is for me and not anyone else)
I also hope I realize in the future how badly I feel. And to never forget this feeling. This is how one grows, this is how one learns.
Basically, you never forget the awful. It's human condition. It is a great way to evolve. Remember the bad and never do what caused the bad ever again.
Ad Astra Alia Porci
I love that phrase. It's great.
But I hate everything right now.
I have to write a rather useless paper for AP Lang, write another paper for AP Bio, and study my ass off, and decide what is more important: the play, or Honors choir. I can't choose. I just can't; I love doing both.
GUARGH. And now to explain the title of this post. It basically means "when pigs fly!" used often by Steinbeck on his books. I say that because, that is when dramatics and choir will get along, and not be stupid and fuck those up the ass who do both.
Thanks people who schedule stuff. What ye have taught me is that is that doing more than one extra curricular activity is stupid because they will always intersect and you will be forced to choose "either or".
As stupid as this may sound, I have given up on humanity for many reasons. One reason is the above mentioned, that and people in my generation are (for lack of better word and the fact that I don't care) FUCKTARDS. Yes I not only said it, I caps locked it.
Aufwiederschreiben.
But I hate everything right now.
I have to write a rather useless paper for AP Lang, write another paper for AP Bio, and study my ass off, and decide what is more important: the play, or Honors choir. I can't choose. I just can't; I love doing both.
GUARGH. And now to explain the title of this post. It basically means "when pigs fly!" used often by Steinbeck on his books. I say that because, that is when dramatics and choir will get along, and not be stupid and fuck those up the ass who do both.
Thanks people who schedule stuff. What ye have taught me is that is that doing more than one extra curricular activity is stupid because they will always intersect and you will be forced to choose "either or".
As stupid as this may sound, I have given up on humanity for many reasons. One reason is the above mentioned, that and people in my generation are (for lack of better word and the fact that I don't care) FUCKTARDS. Yes I not only said it, I caps locked it.
Aufwiederschreiben.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
An Very Awesome Rant Like Bitch Fit
Sweet ass title, no?
It has been quite the while since my last post. And much has happened. I am going to pick up where I last left off, which was watching Annie Hall. I love that movie, I extol that movie, I admire that movie, I (insert anything that is synonymous with liking/admiring) that movie. The musical, which I despise is done and over with, and it was either a disaster or really good. I hated doing it, very little good, if any, came out of it, and by that I mean no life experience was gained. Except DO NOT DO A MUSICAL unless you have to, to make ends meat and all that jazz.
I thought I liked someone in that way (whoo for euphemisms) but I didn't.
I fail at essay writing and AP Language and Composition, as previously predicted. One could see this as essay writing, and I would have to agree. I love this kind of writing, it's good, heartfelt, and I have no fear of being graded. I can basically say anything I want to. (No death threats.. damn). I can be somewhat grammatically incorrect.
Which brings me to another, fantasical point: grammar. I hate it and find it fascinating. And taught it I was not.
Which brings me full circle back to AP Language. Grammar. (See stream of consciousness makes sense). How can I, one person who was never taught grammar before in my life, (except for German grammar which really does not apply to English) be expected to know how to properly place commas, know about adverbials, fragments, properly use a semi colon, and manipulate the language so it sounds euphonious, intelligent, and applies to all people evar? <--- had to be done.
After the essay writing and the musical everything gets kind of blurry. It has been one big tired tangled mess of tainted tittering memories. Until..
Thanksgiving Break. I will give thee a brevitous synopsis: It took about eight hours to get down to New Mexico, we left at six in the morning. Draw your own conclusions. When we got there, I read, did AP Biology homework. All I did was eat, work, sleep, and we engaged in discourse. About everything. I love my cousin. She is so awesome. About the second day we were there my grandfather came back from the hospital, still as ornery, cantankerous, and quick witted as ever. For Thanksgiving we ater tenderloin. It was sapid, palatable, and delectiable. I would have that over turkey anyday. I visted with my other various counsins, and saw my babdy second cousins. It was also incrediably wintry for New Mexico.
We came back the day after Thanksgiving. Again we left at six in the morning, only to get home at three. I then had to relax for a second, then went to the Theater Company for a 24 Hour One Act Festival.
Holy hell.
That is a blog post in itself.
The school week that followed, the current one, has been quite the miserable one.
More essays, sister getting drivers licsence, stress, and vapid people.
But good has come out of it. True cold, wintry, icey, wear six layers cold. I love it. The weather has been picture perfect in that sense.
I have to go, fixing an essays. <--- that was no on purpose. WOW
It has been quite the while since my last post. And much has happened. I am going to pick up where I last left off, which was watching Annie Hall. I love that movie, I extol that movie, I admire that movie, I (insert anything that is synonymous with liking/admiring) that movie. The musical, which I despise is done and over with, and it was either a disaster or really good. I hated doing it, very little good, if any, came out of it, and by that I mean no life experience was gained. Except DO NOT DO A MUSICAL unless you have to, to make ends meat and all that jazz.
I thought I liked someone in that way (whoo for euphemisms) but I didn't.
I fail at essay writing and AP Language and Composition, as previously predicted. One could see this as essay writing, and I would have to agree. I love this kind of writing, it's good, heartfelt, and I have no fear of being graded. I can basically say anything I want to. (No death threats.. damn). I can be somewhat grammatically incorrect.
Which brings me to another, fantasical point: grammar. I hate it and find it fascinating. And taught it I was not.
Which brings me full circle back to AP Language. Grammar. (See stream of consciousness makes sense). How can I, one person who was never taught grammar before in my life, (except for German grammar which really does not apply to English) be expected to know how to properly place commas, know about adverbials, fragments, properly use a semi colon, and manipulate the language so it sounds euphonious, intelligent, and applies to all people evar? <--- had to be done.
After the essay writing and the musical everything gets kind of blurry. It has been one big tired tangled mess of tainted tittering memories. Until..
Thanksgiving Break. I will give thee a brevitous synopsis: It took about eight hours to get down to New Mexico, we left at six in the morning. Draw your own conclusions. When we got there, I read, did AP Biology homework. All I did was eat, work, sleep, and we engaged in discourse. About everything. I love my cousin. She is so awesome. About the second day we were there my grandfather came back from the hospital, still as ornery, cantankerous, and quick witted as ever. For Thanksgiving we ater tenderloin. It was sapid, palatable, and delectiable. I would have that over turkey anyday. I visted with my other various counsins, and saw my babdy second cousins. It was also incrediably wintry for New Mexico.
We came back the day after Thanksgiving. Again we left at six in the morning, only to get home at three. I then had to relax for a second, then went to the Theater Company for a 24 Hour One Act Festival.
Holy hell.
That is a blog post in itself.
The school week that followed, the current one, has been quite the miserable one.
More essays, sister getting drivers licsence, stress, and vapid people.
But good has come out of it. True cold, wintry, icey, wear six layers cold. I love it. The weather has been picture perfect in that sense.
I have to go, fixing an essays. <--- that was no on purpose. WOW
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
