Lost. Truly.

This last week of break has been quite awful, to tell the truth. Why? I really don't care to say why because there really is no why. It just has been. It feels as though my whole damned world is shrinking. Like I've lost all of my friends. Like I've lost all of my passions, my dreams. My talents. I now feel like a living/breathing/talking nothing, and I am not sure how to fix it. I hope so much that this comes to pass, and I am more than sure it will, after the one acts are over, and once I get back into school- get the rhythm down again. But for I now I honestly don't know what I am doing. Senior year is supposed to be one of the easiest years of your academic career, why does mine seem so damn hard?

I don't even want to start thinking about college applications. To be quite aboveboard, I am fucked beyond all reason in that area. Because I should have done all of this months ago. And instead I'm doing it all last minute. Looking at what I've "done" it really hasn't been a lot. In fact, I am a pretty awful student. Not a very wide range of disciplines, nor any work outside the school to further my community. And doing 24 Hour One Acts and LTC does NOT count as community service. It just doesn't, how can it? How did it help feed the Longmont's hungry? How did it help shelter those who have none? Maybe I am asking questions in a context that doesn't make sense. Maybe I am.

It just feels like I will never amount to anything. I'll be another schmuck who never left Colorado, never experienced the world. Which is why it means so much to me to leave this state. I am afraid though, afraid that if I do go out of state for college I'll definitely end up a nobody. I have no family in Maine, and no family in New York. I have nothing out there except that dying hope of being something more than I am. I want to change a life, or an art, or do something that's recognized but therein lies the entire flaw to any plan I have. The goddamn fact that I want recognition for what I do. I want the prestige dammmit. Why is that so bad? I also love writing, and acting. I do both for the sake of both, and me. What's wrong with wanting an award? To be published in a prestigious magazine? Write an award winning novel? What is so wrong with that? Isn't that a psychological need to have the admiration, or at least some respect of your peers?

But for right now, I quit.